30 Years Ago Today
30 years ago this week, I had open-heart surgery, according to a text from my mom.
I don't remember much, and it's hard to know what's a real memory or passed-down information. The Children's Medical Hospital hangs a red balloon neon sign on the front of the building. The Beauty and The Beast Belle Barbie doll sat on the windowsill for me when I woke up. A team of several nurses and doctors rushed in at the initial diagnosis appointment to assess the situation. My mom performed "heart surgery" on my blue teddy bear to show me what would happen.
I'm curious how this surgery has stuck with me from my earliest development stage. Now you're probably not wondering that, but stick with me for a second.
I have a massive fear of death, especially a painful or terrifying one. Perhaps it's related, or maybe it's a normal fear — after all, it's the one thing humans cannot control, and we'll all face no matter the circumstances, bank balances, or work titles.
Last week I listened to a podcast featuring a hospice doctor sharing his experience of helping people transition out of this life.
The host asked if people fear how they'll die and if it will be a painful experience. He said this in response, "How you live is how you die."
Wow.
His response hangs in my mind. It never occurred to me that it's less about what causes death and more about our values, ideals, and attitudes that we transition from our living experience to our dying experience.
If we live in fear, in contraction, fighting and resisting our everyday experience, presumably, this is how we'll die too.
If we live connected with others, heart-centered, open and expansive, and grateful, presumably, this is how we'll die too.
Perhaps the biggest remedy for my fear of death is to focus on my values and code for living a beautiful, heart-led life today. That's all I'm guaranteed.
It makes me take a step back and notice where in my life I've slipped further away from my values, vision, and code for my well-lived life.
Mine are currently*: nature, health, growth, and connection.
I want to spend more time appreciating and basking in nature and focus on healing my mind, body, and spirit. I want to grow and evolve, take new risks, seek adventures, and find my new edges. I want to connect more deeply in my relationships and seek out more community in my life.
What are yours?
What do you want to do differently today?
What do you care about lately that you haven't paid much attention to?
What values do you want to cultivate more of in life?
Where do you want to focus your limited time?
One day at a time,
Rachel
*values are subject to change as go through new phases and seasons in our lives
