How to Really Shift Using the 3 A's: Awareness, Acceptance, Action
People have been writing about how to change and deal with challenging circumstances for thousands of years.
From the Buddhists to modern-day psychologists, a clear pattern has emerged on how to shift your behavior, thoughts, and feelings.
This work gets regurgitated because there is power and truth in these principles. Here is a framework I’ve seen over and over for a good reason in books, podcasts, and programs – it works.
These simple steps shift thoughts, uproot old beliefs, and change behaviors. The catch is that framework is simple but not easy.
Awareness
Acceptance
Action
Why isn’t it easy?
As I wrote in this post, our brains really like efficiency and will prioritize saving energy over attaining new behaviors any day of the week. It doesn’t matter if you’re a product manager trying to write a new product strategy or an exhausted mom trying not to snap at their toddler. Your brain will choose old behaviors and patterns using thickly grooved neural pathways because that data already exists, and your brain has energy demands in a given day. Dr. Lisa Barrett says the technical term for body budgeting is allostasis. It means that your brain’s job is to anticipate the needs of your body and meet those needs before they arrive.
She says there are limited resources [in your body] and every action that you take—every movement that you make, every new thing that you learn—costs something. And so every time your brain prepares to move your body or to learn something new, your brain is asking itself, figuratively, is this a good investment? Is it worth it? Your brain’s preference for efficiency and metabolic management is why it takes effort to be more patient with your partner or a better listener with your team.
The path of least resistance is the default, so if you desire to change yourself, understand it requires effort. Yet, with the power of neuroplasticity, our brains can wire new behaviors, thoughts, and beliefs that create desired behaviors. Sitting in a contentious meeting with your boss, your brain isn’t asking itself, figuratively speaking, “What is this?” Instead, it is asking something more akin to “What is this like?” “What is this similar to in my past experience?” Your brain is making guesses about what will happen next, so it knows how to act next to keep you alive and well. It means you’re not reacting to your experience as it unfolds.
You’re almost always acting on the predictions that your brain is making about what’s going to happen next, in a process that even Dr. Barrett admits “defies common sense.”
Awareness
How do we interrupt our default settings programmed by our prediction machines – our brains? The Buddhists wrote about 2,500 years ago, and it’s reiterated by modern authors today that our ability to know that we are knowing, or awareness, is the key to alleviating our suffering and stepping out of our default settings, yet surprisingly challenging. We haven’t been taught how to be aware, resist it because of what feelings we’ll encounter, avoid it because of the energy demands it requires, or simply forget. Mindfulness is said to be ‘remembering.’
David Foster Wallace captures this point in his well-known quote – we miss so much because we are unaware, swimming through life on autopilot.
Have you ever driven home from work (okay, when you used to commute) and didn’t remember much of the drive? Have you ever said something you regretted in conflict with your partner? Have you ever opened Instagram for a minute that turned into thirty? The opposite of awareness, living obliviously and on autopilot, is part of a normal life, but without engaging in awareness, we lose our ability to become wiser about our experiences.
Sometimes being unaware is intentional, like numbing out after a bad day (no shame in occasionally doing that). Most of the time, though, being oblivious is unintentional. You wake up and go through the motions you did yesterday and the day before. Our brains are built that way for good reason: metabolically, it requires less energy from the brain to perform repetitive tasks so that we can use that energy on other things, like surviving (thanks, brain). We must understand that it’s okay that we are unaware because of the brain’s structure and work with it, not against it. We must bring to switch from autopilot to mindfulness.
Sometimes it’s too painful to be aware of our experience because of unresolved or current trauma, so if that’s you, pair an awareness practice with therapy.
If you’re resisting awareness because of negative emotions like boredom or frustration, it’s good to continue your practice because of these emotions, not despite them – that is the training field.
Even the very act of relating to intense emotions with friendliness rather than fear diminishes their power.
How to practice awareness:
Practice awareness during activity and work your way up to meditating on a pillow as you strengthen your mindfulness muscles.
Go on a walk without your phone or put it on airplane mode
Start your walk with the mindset that you’ve never walked this path before. Meditation teachers call this ‘beginner’s mindset’ or ‘child-like curiosity’
Engage your senses one at a time and notice…
What do you hear? The sound of your shoes striking the pavement, the birds chirping nearby, even the car horns or construction jackhammers.
What do you see? The colors and textures of objects in front of you like the tree's shadow splashing the curb, yellow dandelions swaying in the wind, random sticks fallen wayside.
What do you feel? The wind or cold or warmth on your skin penetrating your clothes, the cushion of your shoes beneath your soles, the weight of a backpack on your shoulders.
What do you smell? The lawnmower emits gas or the smells as you walk under a jasmine tree.
Be genuine and non-judgmental with whatever arises, like surging boredom or frustration. Notice your tendency to judge what you smell, hear, and see. We assign good and bad labels to our experience, but awareness asks us to let go of these labels and see things as they are. I hate the sound of popcorn car mufflers during my walks, so I practice hearing them and noticing my tendency to judge the driver. Seeing this tendency, I slowly open up to the sound without judgment, a little more each time.
Keep practicing and practicing. The more you go through the awareness drill, the more your awareness muscle develops, and it becomes more ‘normal.’ Usually, the cessation of the mind mellows, and the worries fall wayside from the juiciness of being absorbed in your walk. It may feel pleasant being absorbed in the present, but don’t count on it. Sometimes it’s as hard as carrying your groceries inside on a single trip. Still, if you notice how difficult it is while it’s happening, noticing that thought, you are practicing awareness in adversity.
Break it up by introducing pauses into your day with bite-size awareness check-ins, even if it’s five seconds of observing the trees as you walk until an unanswered email pops in your mind – gently come back to the act of observation. If you notice you are noticing, you are practicing awareness. If it sounds very meta, that’s because it is.
Try the practice of awareness in various activities. My favorite situations to practice are chopping vegetables and walking because of the multiple sensory inputs available. It seems easier to practice awareness with movement.
For powerful emotions, like anxiety, practicing awareness can be overwhelming because you may feel anxious about feeling anxious, which is usually not fun. When emotions are intense, try this exercise from Dr. Judson Brewer that I outlined in my previous blog post.
If awareness and mindfulness still seem abstract, try thinking of it like this:
Mindfulness is like watching the river crash and flow in front of you. Identifying with your feelings is like being caught up and swept down the river.
Mindfulness is like watching the storm rage and thunder outside of your home through the window. Identifying with your feelings is like being inside the storm, with no cover.
Mindfulness is like watching a dramatic scene play out in a movie observing the characters and all their emotions. Identifying with your feelings is like being in the movie as the main character.
Mindfulness is like the evergreen blue sky making up the sky, even behind the storms. Identifying with your feelings is forgetting the blue sky exists during the storm.
Mindfulness is like the quiet, vast ocean underneath the crashing, cresting waves. Identifying with your feelings is being the cresting, crashing wave, forgetting the quiet that exists underneath the wave. Awareness is recalling the vast blue sky and the deep quiet ocean that is present amid gloomy storms and pummeling waves.
Acceptance
If awareness is like becoming an amateur, acceptance is like becoming a professional – it’s harder and requires a lot of practice. It alleviates the pressure of nailing acceptance if you know it requires plenty of practice. Accepting who you are, your mistakes and regrets, and not letting yourself off the hook or, inversely, being too hard on yourself is a delicate balance.
I keep Shunryu Suzuki’s quote handy because it captures the paradox of acceptance* – it requires you to accept yourself as you are – a perfect and whole being – and be conscious of how you can improve and grow to become your most authentic self. The wisdom and discernment lies in detecting if the situation or trigger requires acceptance, improvement, or both (err on the side of both). Improvement is an act of discernment when it comes from a place of reaching the highest version of you, not in an egoic sense.
Say you and your spouse disagree, and it escalates into conflict; this is a perfect opportunity to accept that you are a loving spouse, and you could stand to listen more intently and pause before using a harsh tone. The intent behind the improvement is a noble one – to be a more kind spouse and not egoic – to win a fight. Inquiring about why you desire change and how you will feel when you achieve it is pertinent to discerning between improvement for superficial and fake or deep and meaningful reasons.
* I am slightly obsessed with paradoxes as they make everything in life make sense and make no sense at all. Paradox blog post coming soon.
Acceptance is like a road trip with many pit stops, unexpected detours, and traffic. Just when I’ve figured out acceptance, I face a new situation where the hurdle to acceptance is greater than the last situation. Ah, life, you are always keeping me on my toes.
Acceptance requires unconditional friendlessness and self-compassion, or you can call it love. Dan Harris, 10% Happier author and skeptical meditator, describes love not in a corny sense but ‘as any feeling north of neutral.’ Say you didn’t get the desired promotion, and disappointment feels like a heavy blanket wrapped around you for days. Any feeling north of neutral will be helpful with accepting this rejection – you are not expected to rebuttal with faux positive gratitude for the job you have. If you can avoid shaming yourself and bringing yourself down further with I-Should-Have’s and What-Ifs and instead act compassionately toward your disappointment will be quite helpful.
Much of the effort with acceptance is facing the pain in the first place.
Dr. Kristen Neff, a self-compassion expert, says, “The only way to eventually free ourselves from debilitating pain, therefore, is to be with it as it is. The only way out is through.”
Meeting the resistance, the challenge, and the pain means allowing it to be exactly how it is.
Dr. Tara Brach says, “What would it be like if I could accept life—accept this moment—exactly as it is?”
What if the pain or intense emotion feels so embarrassing, awful, or frustrating? Then let Rob Nairn comfort you, “the goal of practice is simply to be a compassionate mess.” Permission to be a compassionate mess.
Becoming curious, friendly, and self-compassionate to yourself will expand you in profound ways. Remember, it’s simple, but not easy. Except for narcissists and psychopaths, most people are unkind to themselves sometimes, often, or always. I wonder if our built-in mechanism to be critical of ourselves helped us evolve by improving and innovating to survive. If self-compassion feels squishy, think of it as tenderness, understanding, mercy, or even sympathy toward yourself.
Debunking the myths of self-compassion
A myth that circulates about meditation is you’ll become too aware and too accepting and lose your edge. You won’t lose your edge, but you may stop losing your proverbial sh*t. Others believe self-compassion is selfish as if we are morally better when we punish ourselves, which stems from our culture’s Puritan origins. Or you believe self-compassion is self-pity, which it is not because self-pity has toddler-like qualities, stomping your feet, postulating about how bad things are, and doesn’t get you anywhere. Self-compassion leads to less brooding, sulking, and moping because it helps you see a balanced view of the situation.
Another myth that self-compassion makes you weak is well debunked because it leads to developing more resiliency. When you relate better to yourself, like an ally, not an enemy, you cope more successfully. Even when we say something hurtful to a friend, when we are self-compassionate, recognize our mistake and have a plan to apologize without shaming ourselves, we strengthen ourselves and build accountability with our highest self.
Self-compassion is different from self-worth; as noted by the University of Berkeley’s research, “self-compassion is a way of relating to the ever-changing landscape of who we are with kindness and acceptance—especially when we fail or feel inadequate. In other words, self-esteem requires feeling better than others, whereas self-compassion requires acknowledging that we share the human condition of imperfection.” Self-esteem rides on the waves of positive accomplishments in life, while self-compassion is there for us in the good and bad times, like a longtime friend. Of course, it isn’t bad to have self-esteem, but it won’t be there in bad times like self-compassion.
How to practice acceptance using self-compassion:
Take out your journal
Close your eyes and take the ‘sacred pause’ by sitting with whatever is present
What sensations do you feel in your body?
Where are those sensations located? If you had to describe them in two words, what would they be? If they had color and texture, what would they be? If this feeling were a Disney character or avatar, what would it look and sound like?
Imagining your feelings as these cute characters from Inside Out discharges strong emotions
Write down these sensations. Now ask yourself, what feelings do I associate with these sensations? Am I trying to increase them or reduce them? Am I trying to stop these feelings?
Practice friendliness, curiosity, and third-person coaching*
“I allow these feelings and sensations” “And these too”
“Hmmm, I wonder what is present for me right now”
“Wow, Rachel, it seems really difficult how scared you are of hosting your first workshop. I’m sorry you’re experiencing that right now.”
The easiest way to develop more self-compassion is to talk to yourself like a best friend, grandmother, mentor, or coach would talk to you. Pick your safe person, and in vivid detail, imagine them there with you, down to their outfit, words, and hand gestures. A great tip is that you do not need to personally know this person. I often use Byron Katie, Melissa Hartwigg, and several other psychologists I mentioned above.
Begin journaling a dialogue between you and your safe person and this version of you in this situation
Open up to your safe person about what you are feeling, currently or lingering over a past situation
Mind dump and write out everything about this situation that is difficult. No coherency is required because you won’t show anyone this dialogue
Now engage your safe person. If it helps, move to the other side of the room or couch.
Write as the safe person to you… If it feels corny, you’re doing it right.
That must be hard. What about this is difficult for you?
I’m really sorry you are feeling this way. How can I help?
Have you ever felt this way before?
What has helped you in the past?
What is the inverse of this thought? When in the past have you felt the opposite of this feeling?
Who else has experienced this feeling before? Do you believe others have been in your situation?
Refer to quotes by your safe person. It helps to have these in a place you can easily pull out
If you are spiritual, you can do this exercise using higher power, God, or higher intelligence as your safe person. More on this from my previous blog post.
*Talking to yourself in the third person is backed by good science – when we create space between “us” and the part of us that feels “in the thick of it,” in other words awareness, we bring in perspective and wisdom that gets us unstuck from the intensity of the emotion. Dr. Ethan Kross says, “third-person self-talk leads people to think about the self similar to how they think about others, which provides them with the psychological distance needed to facilitate self-control.”
The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.
Acceptance is easier when you remember that you are not alone in your suffering. Another paradox I note during troubled times is that I am both unique and not special. When anxiety bubbles up in me, I remember that I am not alone and millions, if not billions, of other people, are experiencing this exact feeling of anxiety right now. I imagine walking onto the Dallas Cowboys field and seeing the stadium full of other people who are experiencing my exact feeling and cheering me on through it like we're in the strong emotions professional league. Forgetting that we are all in this together, suffering at various points in our lives is an egoic trap that leads to even more suffering.
The difference between step one, Awareness, and step two, Acceptance, is explained well by a few examples from myself and Mindful.org:
Action
To recap, when faced with a challenging situation, we meet it with awareness to observe the experience, like watching a movie. Once we understand what and where we experience this situation in our bodies, we meet it with acceptance and self-compassion, and care for ourselves during the experience.
Now what? Once you become aware and accept the intense situation, the easiest part seems to be action – or perhaps that’s just me. Action is easier after we’ve brought spacious awareness, objectivity, and kindness to our situation because it generates wisdom to know how to take aligned action.
Action is not necessarily a tangible and concrete task like writing a blog post or apologizing to a friend. Action often time starts with showing our subconscious the things we want to have through exposure, according to Dr. Ben Hardy. This is how we fill in the gap between who we are now and who we want to be today — we define this current period as desiring to learn to be that person. For an aspiring entrepreneur, the action isn’t “become a successful entrepreneur”, because that will make it hard as mistakes and failure arise, as they will. The action is desiring to learn to be a successful entrepreneur, which is attainable and leads to a creative and open mindset.
What action can I take today to learn to be what I desire to be?
Confidence is built through action and shattered by trauma. Confidence precedes motivation and sprouts from action — when you take a small step toward your goal, it motivates you because you’re becoming more like the person that achieves their goals, which makes you more likely to work toward the goal. Small steps turn into the flywheel effect — positive feedback loops build momentum, increasing the payoff of incremental effort. You feel momentum as you progress on the path to your highest self. If you equate the term highest self with spiritual mumbo jumbo, swap it for the best version of you or the rockstar you.
Life is not a book with a clear beginning, middle, and end. It’s hardly linear and it shouldn’t be surprising when you need to come back to steps one and two even as you take action. In fact, when I take aligned action toward my biggest goals, I meet edges of discomfort as I walk through fear. When I take risks, fear and small beliefs creep up, so I revisit Awareness and Acceptance along the way.
How to take action:
Take out your journal
Ask yourself some questions
Who do I desire to be tomorrow? What action can I take to learn to be that person?
What action would help me get to my highest self?
What action would I wish I would have taken in six months, 1 year or 10 years?
What will my life look like on the other side of taking this action?
What is the best thing that could happen if I take this action?
What higher beliefs about myself would serve me in taking this action?
Negative belief: I will be selfish if I ask for more money in my role.
Higher belief: I am worthy of receiving money in exchange for my skills
If you are curious about creating new beliefs and affirmations, refer to my previous blog post.
Break down the big action into smaller steps, like asking for more money in your role
Write down your successes and accomplishments in your position
Pull in client and teammate accolades
Structure the dialogue between you and your boss
Research market rates for your role and anticipate no’s
Designate the date for your next meeting to talk to your manager
Assign small rewards for small actions taken. Celebrating along the way will motivate and inspire you and reinforce this behavior. If you make it to structuring the dialogue with your boss, treat yourself with something you love.
Mentally rehearse taking the action before you do it
In this blog post, I outline how to mentally rehearse a future event from Dr. Joe Dispenza’s work. Like a professional athlete rehearsing their jump shot, you can prime your subconscious before you leap.
You can write it out in a journal if you’re a written learner. If you’re a verbal learner, audio record yourself talking about who you’ve become. If you’re visual, you can rehearse the images on a walk or sketch them in your journal.
Take it out into the real world
Try this approach over the next week and practice the 3 A’s. I created a handy PDF worksheet you can print to refer to during your journaling and self-reflection time. When I use this approach, I remind myself this will not eliminate strong emotions or fix my problems, rather it’s a way to relate differently to my strong emotions and problems. It’s working with painful and intense feelings, not against them. It helps you to choose wise action, which is sometimes as intangible as saying a few self-compassionate words to yourself.
Perfecting these steps or criticizing yourself along the way will only generate stronger, “negative” emotions. Allow the missteps and mistakes; be the compassionate mess.
“It becomes understood that happiness is not dependent on circumstances being exactly as we want them to be, or on ourselves being exactly as we’d like to be. Rather, happiness stems from loving ourselves and our lives exactly as they are, knowing that joy and pain, strength and weakness, glory and failure are all essential to the full human experience.”
— Dr. Kristin Neff
