A Change in My World View
A Change in My World View
My heartbeat pounded as I asked my boss for a salary increase. Sound familiar? We’ve all encountered similar high-stress situations. But saving our negotiating skills for infrequent and critical scenarios is a huge miss for all of us.
Negotiation has a PR problem. Blame it on boring business books and haggling car salesmen. It has a negative connotation originating from lawyers arguing in courtroom dramas. Push that aside momentarily and reconsider what negotiation really is. It’s the act of using communication to reach an agreement. Negotiation is an underrated way of communicating that turns undesirable situations into positive outcomes - for both parties. It could be as trivial as asking your partner to pick up a late-night dinner. Or as serious as lowering the asking price on your dream home.
Top FBI hostage negotiator, Chris Voss, flipped my mindset in his book Never Split The Difference. In the book, he undercuts the popular myth that the winning approach means aggressively arguing your way to a solution. He reframes negotiation as a method of listening and collaborating with the other person that can be applied in everyday situations.
Voss recounts a hostage story from The Jeff Schilling case where his team took the ransom demand from $10 million to $0 in one conversation. He goes on to say he used the same tactics to change how his son played football. Voss claims clients and students have used his tactics to make incredible breakthroughs in all kinds of negotiations. The skills needed for a hostage situation are not fundamentally different from the skills required to re-book a missed flight. Voss says kidnappers are really just businessmen and hostage negotiators have advanced emotional intelligence.
Change your world view on negotiation, and it’ll change your relationships. Let’s dive into tips from the top FBI hostage negotiator.
How To Master Negotiation
“Prepare, prepare, prepare. When the pressure is on, you don't rise to the occasion; you fall to your highest level of preparation. ” Chris Voss
Voss recommends running through the following skills in everyday situations. Assume every encounter is a chance to boost your abilities. Practice negotiation in easy cases, and it’ll prepare you for the ones that matter most. As Voss says, the most dangerous negotiation situation is the one you don't know you're in.
Mirror
“Mirror neurons allow us to understand other people’s mind. Feeling, not thinking.”- Neuroscientist, Giacomo Rizzolatti.
Mirror neurons are powerful2. Our neurons fire when we observe the same action in another person. We feel more at ease when our behavior is imitated. Mirroring is a power tool. Observe a person’s body language and imitate back what the other person is saying or not saying. Notice subtle actions like open hands on the table and lie yours down, or sense a decrease in pitch and lower yours, too. The 7-38-55 rules of personal communication, created by Albert Mehrabian, states that only 7% of a message is based on the words while 38% comes from the tone of voice and 55%from the speaker’s body language and face. Pay attention to the 55%.
Listen
Active listening is critical because it builds deep trust. Harder than it sounds but more important than it seems. Active listening means, well... actually listening. It’s not the time to rehearse your response. Repeat specific phrases and words they use to show you are listening. Active listening helps uncover creative solutions by detecting information unknown to you.
Label
Establish trust by capturing their feelings as best as you can. Label their feelings before they have to. Fill in the rest of one of these three phrases, “It seems like,” “It sounds like,” or “It looks like.” It’s okay if it’s off because they’ll correct you which is information.
No is Not Bad
Hearing no is the start, not the end of a negotiation. It’s a good thing. Not ending the conversation here is a brain rewire for many of us. Saying no protects and relaxes a person. It provides space to clarify what the other person really wants. Underneath that no could really be “I’m not ready yet” or “I don’t understand” which are fixable. Interestingly, asking someone if ‘now is a bad time to talk’ makes them feel safe because they can reply with a no answer. After a no, you can use questions to better understand the person’s point of view (there are exceptions to this and I trust you dear reader that you can distinguish these).
Ask Open-Ended Questions
Avoid yes or no questions. Understand the other person by asking open-ended questions that start with “why” or “how.” Calibrated questions like “how am I supposed to do that?” puts the other person in control to figure out the solution. Control is empowering.
Reiterate the Agreement
Three types of ‘yes’ exist so it’s important to clarify which one you’re getting. Voss says there is a counterfeit (they plan to say no later and want to escape), confirmation (an innocent yes), and commitment (the real deal). A quick yes without a follow-up of a ‘how’ is as useless as monopoly money. That’s why it’s essential to follow up a ‘how’ after receiving a yes. Then, say it back three times in three different ways.
Stay away from repeating the same thing multiple times to avoid coming across as condescending.
For example, reiterating a solution for an agreement to push out a deadline could be “To confirm, I have until next Tuesday at five pm to send the presentation?” and “Great, let me know if you have questions after I send the presentation next Tuesday.” and “Again, thank you so much for letting me have until Tuesday to send the presentation.”
Take a look at how these tactics play out in a popular scenario.
[Imagine your flight is delayed from a looming storm and you’re going to miss your presentation the next day. Here’s how to use these pointers with an airline gate agent. You listen intently to the person in front of you talking. This is no time for outrage tweets. Sense the mood from observing body language. Listen to the words from the customer in front of you.]
You: Hi, my name is Rachel. It sounds like the person in front of me was being unfairly rude in demanding you re-book him to Italy. (labeling) Doesn’t he know Rome will still be there Friday?
Sandra: Tell me about it. People are rude like that all the time. I can only do so much.
You: Rude doesn’t get us anywhere, now does it? I’m sure you’re doing as much as you can. (mirroring) So, how many options are there for leaving tonight? (open-ended questions)
Sandra: None. Pilots can’t fly out. There’s nothing going out until tomorrow morning. Do you want to get re-booked for the morning?
You: Ah, strong wind gusts. It looks like you have a stressful few hours ahead of you. (label) Just to confirm, there are zero flights out tonight? (reiterate)
Sandra: No, there are not. (no is not the end)
You: By chance, how delayed are the flights from LaGuardia and JFK? (open-ended questions)
Sandra: Hm, let me check.
You: I appreciate you checking. (mirroring)
Sandra: Actually, LaGuardia has one available flight tonight. I guess it’s north of the storms. Would you like that flight?
You: I sure would, thank you Sandra. How do I go about getting re-booked? (reiterate the yes solution)
Sandra: I’m printing your new boarding passes now.
Recognizing Sandra’s body language and labeling her feelings created trust. Using the words she used made her feel heard. Asking open-ended questions led to an unforeseen solution.
The Path Forward
We all want life to be easier. Use these tips, and your perspective toward negotiation will naturally change as you see the benefits. Don’t take my word for it. Try it. You just might get what you want, like a salary increase… which I did.
